University of Tennessee Athletics
LADY VOL DIARIES - ASHLEY YEAGER
October 26, 2005 | Women's Swimming & Diving
Oct. 26, 2005
I tend to be a private person who does not like to talk about my thoughts. But I am compelled to put into words the feelings I have for twenty-four young women and two coaches, all who challenge me to be a better person.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I try not to show my emotions. I do not like to talk about how I feel, and I was taught never to let anyone see me cry. I stuck by that rule this weekend. But I think that the team needs to know what went on behind my goggles after the Kentucky meet, and particularly my 200 backstroke race, to understand the influence they have had on my swimming and me.
The past two years have not been the easiest for me, in swimming and other aspects of my life. With new coaches and an amazing, but large, freshmen class, I was overwhelmed. Our first "close meet," as Matt called it, was against Kentucky. He said that every point counted, and I stood back and watched as our girls raced to beat Kentucky swimmers to the wall. I was absorbed in the atmosphere of the meet.
My chance to swim came fast. I had many people say, "You can do this. We really need you." But the words I remember most came from, Jen, our assistant coach. Just seconds before I was to race the 200 backstroke, she said, "We really need you to do something special." At that I could feel the tears welling up, but I blinked them back. In my life there is rarely time for emotion, and this was definitely not the moment.
I ran to the blocks, threw off my sweats, and I before I knew it, I was setting my feet for the start. The next forty-five seconds were a blur. But when I hit the hundred-yard mark and saw that I was a body-length behind, I remembered Jen's words. I gritted my teeth and kicked as hard as I could. Finally the last fifty yards came, and for some reason, I knew I could push harder . . . and for the first time, in a long time, it felt easy.
I had no idea how fast I went or what place I finished, but I touched the wall knowing that I had raced with all my heart, and I could not have given anything more. At that moment, the tears came.
I heard Jacque yelling at me, saying, `See, what did I tell you? You can do this!' I knew I would have to walk past the team and the coaches. I could not explain my emotions and did not want everyone to ask me why I was crying. So I left my goggles on, picked up my sweats, gave Matt a high five, and headed straight to the warm-down pool.
And then they came- the tears. Here was this non-emotional, controlled, reserved girl losing her composure. I swam the longest cool down of my life, and it was a time for reflection. I had to figure out why I was crying. I honestly had no clue. But with every stroke I took, I became more aware of why I was so emotional.
I cried because I don't think I have ever raced with that much determination and heart since high school. I cried because I had put everything into that race, not for myself, but for the team. I cried because I have made so many mistakes in the past, and I was ashamed of my foolishness. But most importantly, I cried because that race brought out a part of me that I thought was gone, forever. It brought out my competitive spirit. Deep inside, there was a part of me that loved to race; I found it still existed. I think maybe my teammates and coaches knew it was there all along. They believed in me, and for that instance, so did I.
After my tears stopped flowing, I rejoined my team and watched as in the final races, the girls I have spent hours running, lifting, and training with put their hearts into their races. I had the privilege to watch our girls battle for victory, and I smiled because I was enjoying that moment. I was excited about swimming again, and I remembered why I chose to become a Lady Vol.
The Kentucky meet was an eye-opening experience, I think, for all of us. It was our first challenge, and there will be more to come. But I have confidence that we, as a team, will face and embrace future challenges together. Only in that unity can we truly succeed.
